


I'm just the same as I was

by adaintywomanofmystery



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Background Relationships, Cannon compliant, Christmas, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, I borrowed the children from the book as well, I know nothing about sports, Landline AU, Light Angst, M/M, Relationship Struggles, Sort Of, Time Travel, a phone that can call back in time, communication is key, post cannon, relationships are hard, winter holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24600139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adaintywomanofmystery/pseuds/adaintywomanofmystery
Summary: Neil and Andrew are spending the holidays apart. They aren’t fighting, exactly. It’s just that Andrew isn’t picking up when Neil calls him. Which is fine. He’s got everything under control right until he accidentally makes a phone call that calls back in time to Andrew. Now he just has to make sure he doesn’t mess everything up. Maybe, just maybe, he can actually make things better.This story is based on the novel Landline by Rainbow Rowell. No knowledge of the story is needed.Written for the AFTG Spring Exchange 2020 for vincevangothh!
Relationships: Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 18
Kudos: 187
Collections: AFTG Exchange Spring 2020





	I'm just the same as I was

**Author's Note:**

> This story has found family, holiday shenanigans, and Kevin and Neil's friendship. I'm not sure if this is exactly what you had in mind, but I really hope you like it!
> 
> The title of the fic is from "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons.

“Neil! Focus!” Kevin’s voice rings out across the court as Neil chases the ball which comes to a stop with a sad little thunk against the opposite wall of the court. Neil has missed the pass again, and he can actually see Kevin’s patience wearing down. Neil feels weighed down by his frustration, which only makes the problem worse.

Kevin lets out a long sigh. “Let’s just call it a night. It’s getting late.”

“No,” Neil basically growls back. He needs Kevin here, keeping him focused. He needs the practice, needs to prove to himself that he still has it, even at 37. Contract negotiations are coming up in the new year, and Neil needs to prove he’s not finished yet.

Kevin sighs again, but gets into position. Neil scoops the ball up and fires up the court to Kevin’s waiting net. They continue back and forth until Neil makes another stupid mistake, his reaction time too slow to stop the ball from whistling past his helmet. 

Kevin calls out again, but this time it’s not a question; “That’s enough for tonight. Pack it in and get some goddamn sleep already.”

Neil wants to fight back, but he can feel the exhaustion pulling at his limbs, so he gives a defeated sigh and begins packing everything away.

Back in the locker room, Neil procrastinates at his locker, ignoring the looks of attempted sympathy Kevin keeps giving him. He wishes he never learned Kevin could even make that face. When Kevin goes to open his mouth—probably to say something awkward about feelings—Neil cuts him off quickly. 

“Have a good night. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow?” 

Kevin has the good grace to ignore the tinge of desperation in Neil’s voice, looking vaguely relieved as he gives Neil a quick nod before heading out. After all, Kevin stayed back with Neil when everyone else has already left for Aaron and Katelyn’s place in Chicago to get ready for the winter holidays. Kevin has already decided to retire at the end of this season, so Neil knows he’s staying to keep an eye on him, practicing on the court with him every day this week despite that practices have ended for the year. 

Neil’s visceral reaction to the thought of that much silence means he can’t even be mad about Kevin’s pity, but he _can_ be mad about the fact he can’t be mad. He also avoids listen to Kevin’s disapproving lectures when he can. He thinks he’s handling everything just fine.

Neil spends some time poking around the locker room, looking for anything to procrastinate going home. He thinks about calling Andrew, but he’s stubborn and he’s not ready to back down yet and call first, despite the uneasy feeling that gives him.

It’s not like he and Andrew never fight. They argue over things all the time. They’ve even had a few major fights, but nothing quite like this.

It’s not like this even started as a big fight. They didn’t shout at each other, or call each other names like other people might, but Neil’s used to talking to Andrew every day, and this cold silence for over a week is arguably worse. Andrew had barely protested when Neil said he wasn’t going with Andrew to Aaron and Katelyn’s for the holidays. They’ve never really made a big deal of the holidays before, and Neil doesn’t need the distraction of the other foxes when he needs to focus on his game. He’s not like Andrew, who retired a couple years ago, or Kevin who’s somehow okay with retiring next year. He can’t just move on with his life. He needs Exy like he needs air.

Neil’s starting to regret that decision as he stands in an empty locker room exactly one week before Christmas, procrastinating the trip home to his empty house.

Neil shakes his head, trying to dispel the thoughts as he shuts his locker with a final-sounding clang. Digging through his ratty old bag for his keys, he feels cool plastic brush against his hand. Pulling the object out, he realizes it’s his old flip phone—the one Andrew gave him his first year with the foxes. He thought he’d gotten rid of it years ago. He’s surprised it’s survived at all, but it looks to be in relatively good condition. 

Turning his back to the lockers, he slides down to the floor, playing around with the thing. The screen is dark of course, after so long without use, but the phone thankfully has a micro-usb port, the same as his current phone. He plugs it in and powers it up, flipping through the contents.

The SIM card has been removed long ago, back before he and Andrew got new numbers. They still have matching phones, and he even kind of likes his new smartphone (aside from all the data and location tracking software built-in), but there’s something about this phone, the first phone that was ever his and not just a burner, that triggers a strange feeling of fond nostalgia. 

Going through his contacts and he can see how much progress he’s made as a person since he’s owned this phone. He gets to Andrew’s old number and pauses for a long time. There’s no contact photo or silly nickname, but just seeing the entry makes the ache just a little stronger.

He hits the call button on a whim, expecting to hear a dial tone. He’s definitely not prepared for it to start ringing. Maybe Andrew’s voicemail is somehow still active after all this time? Or maybe he’ll connect with a random stranger and he can just hang up. He lets it ring for some reason, pretending that maybe Andrew will actually be on the other end of the phone.

So when Andrew answers with a gruff, “Hello?” Neil almost drops the phone. Despite the horrible quality of the tinny speakers, it’s definitely Andrew’s voice. Neil feels his heart beating fast in his chest. He’s unprepared about what to say, still confused that this is even happening.

“Hello?” Neil answers, sounding more like a question than a statement. 

There’s an awkward pause before Andrew tiredly says, “I assume you called for a reason?”

“Uh, yeah… How are you?” Neil winces at how awkward he sounds, but he’s not sure what else to say. They didn’t exactly part on good terms. Neil’s kind of surprised Andrew even picked up. Then he remembers that he called Andrew’s old number on his old phone and that this conversation shouldn’t even be possible.

“That’s it? No murder or stab wounds? I’m disappointed Neil. I figured there would at least be a minor crime involved if you’re calling me out of the blue this late at night.”

That doesn’t sit right with Neil. He figures that while Andrew hadn’t known he was going to call it wouldn’t be that surprising. And why does Andrew sound so bitter about it? Shaking off the surprising turn of the conversation, Neil tries a different tactic.

“You didn’t answer my question. How are you?” Neil asks, trying to get his thoughts together. It’s so good just to hear Andrew’s voice, even if this is really weird.

“The same,” Andrew replies simply. Neil huffs out a breath, not sure if he’s actually annoyed or not. Trying to get answers out of Andrew can be difficult if he’s not in a sharing mood—which is most of the time.

“How is Katelyn doing?” Neil tries instead. One of the main reasons Andrew flew down so early was to help babysit them while Katelyn recovered in the hospital from her third child. There were some initial concerns with the baby, but as far as Neil’s heard, everything’s gone fine and the baby’s doing well.

“Why the fuck would I know how Katelyn’s doing?” Neil is taken aback by Andrew’s ferocity. He hasn’t talked about Katelyn like this in years. 

“What are you talking about? You left to take care of the girls for Aaron and Katelyn,” Neil says a bit more desperately. Why does this conversation feel so strange?

“What girls are you talking about? Why would I have anything to do with Katelyn? Aaron made his choices, now he can deal with her on his own. You’re not making any sense,” Andrew says, not bothering to hide his annoyance. 

_That makes two of us,_ Neil thinks. 

“I don’t understand. Aren’t you with the foxes in Chicago? What about Alice and Naomi?” Neil says desperately, feeling like he’s playing a game of broken telephone.

“Neil have you been drinking? Who are Alice and Naomi? I’m alone in my apartment since apparently Atlanta is too far for you to visit.” That last part is said with a particular emphasis that Neil doesn’t have the attention to parse right now.

He feels like he can’t breathe. How can Andrew have forgotten Aaron's daughters Alice and Naomi? He adores them, no matter how much he pretends to be indifferent. 

“What are you doing back in Atlanta?” Is his next question. Andrew hasn’t been to Atlanta since he played for them just after graduating from Palmetto.

“Playing for the Hawks, remember? You were so disgustingly happy about it before. You haven’t recently suffered a head injury, have you? Forgotten anything else important, like your name?”

Neil lets out a strangled laugh. Maybe he’s talking to an Andrew from a parallel dimension. Or maybe he’s finally lost his mind. It’s about time it happened, really, because it sounds like he’s talking to Andrew from sometime in the late 2000’s. 

“Neil, are you alright?” Hearing the slight edge of concern in Andrew’s voice is enough to push Neil over the edge into full-blown hysteria. He’s over-tired and stressed — it’s the only explanation for the laughter that just comes bubbling out of him. Well, that and the apparently time-traveling phone call. He tries to smother the laughter with his hand, but it just keeps coming.

“Neil. Stop it. Breathe.” 

Neil’s vision starts to go funky, the world feeling far away all of a sudden. His chest feels tight, unable to do what Andrew asked. He closes his eyes, imagining Andrew’s hand on the back of his neck. He listens to Andrew’s voice as he’s done many times during panic attacks. Eventually the crushing feeling subsides enough that he can finally take a proper breath. After a few minutes Neil lets out a large sigh and slumps miserably against the locker.

“What was that?” Andrew asks when the silence continues for too long.

“I’m fine,” Neil says, the reaction still instinctive even after all these years.

“Stop using words when you have no idea what they mean.”

“It’s nothing,” Neil insists, because he doesn’t know what’s going on, but he knows that Andrew won’t quit until he’s pulled all of Neil’s secrets out of him, no matter what Andrew this is.

They sit in silence on the phone for a little while longer. Neil has absolutely no idea what to say. He’s still pretty sure this whole conversation is a fever dream. Maybe he’ll wake up and Andrew will be beside him at home and they can go about their lives like usual without all the fighting or weird phone calls.

Just like he refuses to be the first to call when they have a fight, Andrew won’t be the first to hang up. Neil lives for these odd silent competitions they have, but it’s getting late and he’s already so out of his element, so drained.

“I should probably go now,” Neil says into the phone regretfully. “I love you.”

Neil didn’t plan to say that, it just slipped out. When Neil first joined the foxes, he would never have imagined he could make it to a time where he said ‘I love you’ and meant it, or have believed someone who said it back to him. Now he couldn’t imagine his life otherwise.

Neil blinks out of his reverie, realizing the line has stayed silent. His heart is frozen in his chest, worried he’s pushed too far. 

“…Andrew?” Neil whispers tentatively into the phone.

“What did you just say?” Andrew’s voice is its usual deadly calm, but there’s an undercurrent of tension.

“I said I love you.” There is no way that Neil is taking that back, no matter how this goes. He generally has a bad habit of doubling down on his mistakes, but Neil’s determined to carry this through. Andrew needs to know he’s loved, whether or not he’s ready to accept it.

Andrew is quiet for only a moment on the line before he says, “You’ve never said that before. Why now?”

“I thought you wanted the truth from me. Or are you telling me you can’t handle it?” It’s a challenge, because Neil knows Andrew, knows he’ll never back down. Whatever he’s feeling, he won’t reject Neil’s words.

“200%” Is the only response Neil gets. He hasn’t gotten a percentage in over a decade, and he almost laughs out loud again. They sit in silence again for a little while, but it’s not as tense. Neil absently runs the conversation through his mind, trying to put the pieces together. 

Eventually, the silence drags on too long, neither of them knowing what to say. Neil aches to have Andrew beside him, a real and solid presence, not just a disembodied voice from the past floating through tinny phone speakers. Continuing the phone call becomes too painful, so Neil says a quick goodbye before disconnecting the call without waiting for a response.

Neil somehow makes it home that night without crashing his car. Despite his exhaustion, sleep does not come easily, and he spends the night tossing and turning.

* * *

The next day at the court Kevin takes one look at Neil and visibly recoils at his appearance.

“Jesus Christ Neil, you look like a fucking zombie. Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Shut the fuck up Kevin, I don’t want to hear it this early.” Neil pauses for a second. “Or ever actually. Save the lecture for someone willing to put up with you. Let’s just get started.”

Suffice to say, Neil is not in the mood to deal with anyone today. Kevin just shakes his head, used to Neil’s shitty attitude by now. They go through the familiar motions of warming up, and Neil let’s some of the tension drain away. It’s easy to get lost in the familiar motions, to stop thinking about the fact that he’s losing his mind. All other explanations are far too insane.

They take a break at midday and Neil tries calling Andrew’s current number with the phone that actually has a SIM card. He really needs to hear Andrew’s voice. To reassure himself that everything is normal and that Andrew's not actually that mad at him for staying behind to practice Exy.

When Neil gets Andrew’s voicemail, the knot in his stomach tightens. He paces around for a little while, not sure what to do with himself. Eventually he breaks down and calls Aaron and Katelyn’s house, since for some reason they still have a landline.

“Hello?” Someone says from the other end. Neil is startled when Nicky is the one to pick up the phone, his boisterous voice loud in Neil’s ear.

“Uh, hey Nicky, is Andrew around? He’s not picking up his phone.”

“Oh my god, Neil! Hi! How are you? It’s been so crazy around here. We were surprised when Andrew arrived without you. Can you believe he forgot to call and tell us you were busy? Well, that doesn’t matter now, I’m just glad to talk to you!”

Neil lets Nicky ramble on for another five minutes, making the appropriate ah’s and oh’s. He’s learned after years of dealing with Nicky that when he’s really excited like this it’s best to just let him get it out of his system. He is, after all, celebrating the birth of his first nephew. Neil’s again glad that Aaron decided he wanted children so that Nicky didn’t have to get on their case about adopting so he could “spoil his little nieces or nephews like he deserves to” as he once put it.

Nicky goes on about all their Christmas plans, and the new baby and how his little feet are the most adorable feet he’s ever seen. Neil likes his nieces well enough, but he’s still not sure what all the hype is about newborns. They don’t really do much except cry and make disgusting messes. Still, it was a risky pregnancy and it’s nice to hear it confirmed that everything went well. Neil’s pretty sure Andrew would text him if something happens, but you never know.

Neil waits until there’s a momentary break in the chatter for his chance to jump in.

“So anyway Nicky, you mentioned that Andrew went out?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s my turn to babysit the girls since Erik is out shopping and Andrew’s just at the hospital with Aaron and Katelyn. We sent some food with Andrew since that hospital stuff is just dreadful, not a single decent cup of coffee to be found in the whole place. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone could work there, and the atmosphere is just so depressing. Though we were only really in the maternity ward, which isn’t too bad, since you get to see all the little babies and happy mothers, and Katelyn’s room has a pretty nice view…”

Neil sighs, knowing that’s all the useful information he’s really going to get right now. Nicky gets distracted by something happening on the other end of the line that involves little girl shrieks and a crashing sound. Neil takes this moment to cut in again.

“It’s been great talking with you, Nicky. You seem busy and I’ve gotta go now, but will you let Andrew know I called? 

“Oh for sure, Neil! Call any time and make sure you visit when you can!”

After Neil hangs up, he briefly wonders what Andrew told the others. Actually, knowing Andrew he either said Neil was 'busy' or just didn’t say anything at all. Neil huffs a small laugh. He’ll have to prepare a better reason than ‘Exy’ or ‘midlife crisis’ for when he sees them next. The foxes don’t let him get away with nearly as many things as they used to.

The rest of their practice goes pretty smoothly. Kevin goes home early to spend some time with Thea and his daughter Amalia. Neil keeps going, practicing until it starts to get dark outside. Despite the fact that the court has large windows along the sidewall, he completely missed how dark it was getting. 

He finds himself back in the locker room twenty minutes later, showered and ready to head out. He pauses for a second, finally letting himself think about all of the things he’s been pushing out of his mind all day.

He tries calling Andrew on his smartphone but chickens out when it goes to voicemail again. The lack of communication is so frustrating. If he could just talk to Andrew, maybe he could fix whatever’s broken.

Before he realizes what he’s doing, he’s digging through his bag for his old flip phone. It’s somehow lost all it’s charge again and Neil has another moment of doubt as he stares at the dark screen. It really must have been all in his head. 

Despite how sure he sounds about that, he still plugs in the phone again and powers it up. If he’s crazy he might as well be committed and try again. Whatever the case, he’s sure that as long as he gets to talk to Andrew, he’s going to go along with it.

“Are you having another panic attack?” Andrew’s voice jolts Neil from his reverie as he realizes he’s already dialed the number.

“No— what— I just.” Neil takes a deep breath. “I miss you,” Neil whispers.

Andrew stays silent for a while, while Neil fidgets, twisting the strap of his gym bag between the fingers of his right hand, while his left clutches tightly to the phone. He’s really starting to hate these silences as much as he depends on them.

“What’s gotten into you, Neil? Why are you talking like this all of a sudden? If you missed me so much, why aren’t you here?” Andrew sounds tired when he asks the question, like they’ve had this conversation before.

“I don’t know,” Neil says, unsure what else to say. If Andrew is playing for the Hawks, then it’s some time during the two years after Andrew graduated from Palmetto before they were both signed for the same team in Arizona. It had been a difficult two years, and Neil’s not sure what to say without making this situation worse.

“Are you cheating?” Andrew asks bluntly. Neil nearly chokes to death on his own spit from how quickly he inhales. 

He manages to choke out, “Don’t you dare even joke about that. I am not, and you should know I would never.”

“Then are you dying?” Andrew fires back like this is some twisted version of twenty questions.

“What the fuck?” Neil had apparently forgotten how discombobulating talking to past-Andrew really was. 

“I haven’t seen you in months, and then suddenly you’re calling and you sound strange. So again, are you dying?”

“Of course not—Wait what do you mean months?”

Neil knows that was the wrong thing to say exactly three seconds later when Andrew replies bitterly with, “It’s been three months since you last visited. Or have you forgotten that easily?”

It’s then that Neil suddenly realizes exactly when Andrew is calling from. 

_Three months_ he thinks, looking down at the ring he’s wearing, which he makes sure to wear all the time he’s not on the court. The only time they went three months without seeing each other was that fight they had during Neil’s first year pro. It had only ended when Andrew had shown up out of the blue on Christmas Eve with this ring.

Neil runs his thumb absently over the ring on his left hand. He doesn’t like to think about that fight, or how close they came to breaking up, though it did end with them getting married. 

“We’re fighting,” is what Neil actually blurts out. Then he winces because that was a really stupid thing to say. Of course they’re fighting, and now he looks both stupid _and_ even more forgetful. This is going wonderfully. Still, he’d rather be fighting with Andrew directly than staying on the receiving end of the cold shoulder as he has been with current Andrew.

“Very astute,” Andrew replies dryly, and it almost makes Neil laugh.

“Shut up. Why are we fighting again?” It had all seemed to make sense at the time, but now when he thinks back on it, all he can remember was being lonely, feeling like his life was going on without him and everyone was leaving him behind.

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?” 

_Fuck_ Neil thinks emphatically.

“When was the last time we actually talked, then?” Neil tries, stalling for time while he wracks his brain for the details. He needs to know what Andrew’s thinking before he can try to fix things.

“Yesterday.” Andrew is definitely giving him a hard time on purpose. He’s pretty sure his past self deserves it based on how this conversation is going.

“Before that, asshole.” Neil stands up, needing to pace, and promptly yanks the charger out of the wall, almost dropping the phone. Shrugging, he grabs the cord and begins to swing the wall plug end around and around while he waits for Andrew to say something.

“What, you want me to say it?” Finally comes over the line. “Fine, we haven’t talked properly in at least a week, though that barely counts. Happy now?”

“No. Why would I be happy that I haven’t talked to you?” Neil is starting to feel desperate to know how they fixed this. To know what made Andrew change his mind and come back to him when Neil felt so lost and disconnected from him. He never asked what happened, and he’s thoroughly regretting that choice now.

“Okay,” Is all Andrew says, but it’s something.

Neil keeps the conversation going, talking about anything he can think of to change the direction of the conversation. Slowly he draws Andrew out of his shell. He asks about his team, his house, his life in Atlanta, past-Nicky and past-Aaron. Anything to get Andrew to talk to him. He knows vaguely about most of these things, but Neil realizes he should have asked more, talked to Andrew more. He’d been so wrapped up in his own head back then, he’d somehow missed out on a lot in Andrew’s life during those years.

The distance was difficult. Being able to hear Andrew’s voice but not see him, not share their casual touches or sit beside him on the roof anymore. They visited each other a lot at first, but somehow it all fell apart. Neil can’t let that happen again.

They talk late into the night. Neil should really have left by now, but it doesn’t really matter. Maybe he’ll just stay here tonight. He’ll be here early tomorrow anyway and he doesn’t exactly want to go back to their empty house anyway.

The conversation does eventually wind down. Neil can tell Andrew’s getting tired, even if he won’t say it.

“Can I call you tomorrow?” Neil asks tentatively, looking for the signs that this is helping, that Andrew isn’t angry at him forever.

“Do what you want,” Which basically means yes. Neil smiles. It’s a start.

* * *

In the week leading up to Christmas Neil falls into a routine. Practice with Kevin in the mornings, solo practice in the afternoon, then he stays late at the court, talking to past-Andrew on his little flip phone. 

He calls the current Andrew every day as well, but either Andrew’s just really busy or maybe he’s screening his calls. The thought makes Neil’s chest ache.

When he calls past-Andrew they talk about nothing and everything, and Neil feels a little bit better every time. Still, it feels like there’s something missing. This Andrew is surprisingly… young. It shouldn’t be a surprise, considering the situation, but Neil has always felt like they had to grow up too fast, feeling much older than he was. Looking back at this window to their past selves though, it’s clear just how young they were.

* * *

It’s two days before Christmas. Kevin left with Thea and Amalia yesterday for Chicago. He’d tried to convince Neil to come with him, but Neil had no idea how to even approach the thought, so he’d refused. 

Neil is currently leaned up against the lockers of the stadium as is his new routine, the phone clutched to his ear. His voice echoes hollowly in this empty room that he’s become far more familiar with than he expected to be this break.

Neil is doing most of the talking, reminiscing about some story from college. He finds it easy to talk about the foxes as he has many vibrant memories about their time in college. He makes sure to stay far away from anything past that, in case he slips up and mentions something Andrew shouldn’t know, but will definitely remember. 

Eventually, there’s a lull in the conversation, but suddenly Neil feels too tired to fill it. He chose to stay behind, knows he has to keep working to prove himself, but somehow those reasons just feel like excuses to him now. Mostly he feels scared. Neil wants to keep talking to Andrew, but the distance between them, both in time and space feels so large in that moment.

“Why are you so far away?” Neil whispers into the phone before his tired brain can catch up with his tongue. He’s not sure if he’s actually talking about the physical distance, or if he even means past-Andrew.

“I thought this was what you wanted. We’re both playing Pro Exy. What more could your little junkie heart want?”

“You. Here with me.” Neil’s past regrets by this point, uncaring if he sounds desperate or pathetic. It’s the truth after all. The only response he gets is a huff on the other end of the phone. Neil smiles despite himself, feeling bolder.

That is quickly undone when Andrew says, “If you were going to call me every night, why didn’t you just come to visit? You never answered the question and it’s my turn to ask—and if you think I will believe your Exy excuse you’re bullshitting yourself.” It’s delivered in the same bored tone that Andrew always uses, and yet Neil can feel the tension of this question.

Neil’s heart is beating hard in his chest, aware of the risks. He’s done a lot of reflecting this week on the past. Andrew had never mentioned what changed when he originally showed up on Christmas Eve all those years ago. Neil had taken it for granted how Andrew had just understood everything he’d been feeling and had known just what to do. Turns out Neil was going to have to explain it after all.

Neil takes a deep breath.

“It was— _is_ hard without you here. I miss you so much it scares me sometimes. I’m used to be being alone, used to being completely self-sufficient. And if I had to I could be alone again, but the scary part is I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to be wherever you are, and that terrifies me. 

“I haven’t wanted to admit it, but I’ve been… struggling a lot. Without you. Without the foxes. I didn’t want to drag you down since you’ve been doing so well.”

“Idiot.” It’s said with such ferocity that Neil is taken aback. “I can’t— well actually I can believe it,” Andrew continues. “Why would you think something so stupid? I told you to give your back to me. Were you lying?”

“No. Of course not. I just… forgot for a bit.”

There’s a snort from the other end of the connection. “You just started to pull away without saying anything. Also it’s not true. I have not been… doing well without you.”

Neil lets out a wet laugh, not realizing how much he’s needed to hear these words. 

“Oh Neil, what am I supposed to do with you? I guess I’ll have to find a way to make sure you won’t ever forget again.”

“Come get me,” is all Neil says in response, knowing how this plays out.

“I’m texting you my flight details now. Don’t do anything stupid until I get there, even though I know that’s hard for you.”

Neil actually remembers this part pretty well. Getting the flight details texted to him with no context. He’d been lying in bed even though he was supposed to be practicing when he’d gotten the text. He had gone to the airport, of course, not willing to question his good fortune, and the rest had been history.

“I’ll be waiting for you,” Neil promises. The call disconnects.

* * *

Neil’s… not really sure what to do with himself now. So many more things make sense now, but he still has no idea what he’s doing here, sitting on the floor of the locker room in the abandoned stadium. He should be with Andrew, with his family. 

So why isn’t he?

When he made the choice to stay behind, it had seemed so straightforward. He didn’t need the distraction of the holidays and the chaos it brings, he needed to stay and practice.

And yet, no matter how hard he works, how far he pushes himself, the writing is on the wall. Maybe his career will end now, maybe in 5 years. He can put off the inevitable, but eventually he’s not going to be able to play Exy any longer, and then what? What is he going to have left?

Without thinking too much about it, he pulls out his phone and calls Kevin. He could really use a friend right now.

The call connects. Before Kevin can say anything, Neil blurts out, “I think I messed up.”

Kevin sighs. Neil can hear him say something to someone in the room he’s in, then there’s footsteps and a door closes.

“What was your first clue?” Kevin finally says.

“I just… I don’t know what to do. I’m not— I can’t keep playing Exy forever, but I don’t know. What else do I have?” Neil chews on his lip, nervous for some reason.

“That’s a stupid question and you know it.”

“But—”

“It’s ok, I get it. I thought it was all I had too, but then I got married and I had a daughter. I let myself want things that I decided. Exy was decided for me, and I’ll never regret choosing this path, but it’s not the only thing that makes life worth living.” Kevin’s voice is surprisingly gentle.

Neil deflates. “I know.”

“Then why aren’t you here, with us? With your family?”

“It just feels like everyone’s moving on without me. I feel. Stuck. Like everyone’s getting farther and farther away. What do I have to offer to them? To Andrew? I’m useless without Exy.”

“Stop. If you actually believe that the only thing Andrew likes about you is Exy you’re too stupid for me to associate with any longer. Andrew has literally never cared about Exy the way you and I do, even if he cares more than he pretends to. 

Now you’re just trying to create problems because you feel like your world is ending and everything should be crumbling to match, but it’s not. You still somehow have Andrew, and if you haven’t chased him away after all these years he’s not going to abandon you now.”

Neil lets out a shaky laugh. It’s weird, relating to Kevin on an actual human level, after so many years of focusing on their mutual obsession with Exy, but it’s… nice. Kevin understands more than Neil usually gives him credit for, and he’s really grown in the years since College.

“I guess I can concede you are right. Just this once,” Neil allows.

“Just get your head out of your ass and come visit us already. It’s almost Christmas.”

“I didn’t know you cared so much,” Neil says with a shit-eating grin he knows Kevin can’t see but can probably sense it somehow anyway.

“I don’t,” Kevin replies instantly, but there’s a hint of fondness under the bad attitude. 

“Hey. I need you to know. You and all the foxes — you saved my life. In more ways than one.”

“Just come and fix things so I don’t have to hear your miserable voice anymore.”

Neil grins. “Thanks, Kev. You know I’ll be seeing you in a couple of days when I come to visit anyway.”

“Don’t remind me.” Neil ends the call, staring at the dark screen of his phone for a moment, thinking. He knows there will be no more calls to the past, but maybe he needs to stop looking to the past for answers.

He has a life outside Exy and he’s missing it right now. Tipping his head back against the lockers, he lets out a sigh. He can’t believe that somehow he can live through so many years and still make the exact same mistakes. He wants to call Andrew and apologize for pushing him away. For not realizing he was afraid everyone was moving on without him. He realizes he’s been doing it for a while now, yet he’s only just noticed. Is it really better to leave before you get left behind, though?

Neil takes a deep breath to steady himself and finally lets himself feel the fear he’s been pushing away. He runs his thumb along the underside of his ring. It’s is a promise, and as long as he’s still alive, he’s going to fight for that promise.

* * *

Neil arrives at the airport in record time, stopping at home to grab only a few essentials before heading straight for the airport. He doesn’t really have a plan for what he’s going to do once he gets there, hasn’t even told any of the foxes besides Kevin that he’s coming, and even then Kevin has no idea when. He also knows Kevin won’t tell them unless Neil tells him to. 

It’s not until he’s standing outside the house, clutching the strap of his duffle that he currently has slung over one shoulder that he thinks maybe he should have had a better plan for all of this. 

When he arrived at the airport it was pretty late, so by the time he’s made it to the house, the sun is already starting to come up on Christmas Eve day. Neil hesitates briefly on the porch before knocking on the door. He waits, shuffling his feet nervously. 

Eventually, the door is opened by Renee, wearing a fox patterned apron and lightly dusted in flour. When she catches sight of she smiles widely and steps aside to let him in. 

“Neil, you’re here! We thought you couldn’t make it!” She sounds sincerely glad to see him, but there’s a twinkle in her eye that tells Neil she knows more than she’s letting on. 

“Uh, yeah. Change of plans. Is this alright?” He feels suddenly unsure, as if maybe his presence is unwelcome.

“Of course. Come on in, I was just getting started on the pancakes for breakfast.”

“Thank you,” Neil mumbles, not sure what to do with her gentle kindness.

“The girls will be excited to see you. They’ve been asking about you.” Renee says conversationally as Neil leaves his shoes behind at the door and follows her into the kitchen.

Neil clears his throat. “They have?” 

“Mhm.” Renee nods, turning to go back to the kitchen. He sits down at the table, watching her go back to measuring and mixing a truly impressive amount of batter.

Neil’s leg starts to shake. “Where—” Neil starts, just as there’s movement behind him. 

“Renee? What’s going on?” A very familiar voice says from behind. Neil is just realizing how much he's missed the sound of Andrew's voice not coming through shitty flip phone speakers. Neil almost falls off his chair trying to turn around fast enough, just as Andrew pokes his head into the kitchen. 

Neil takes in everything, from Andrew’s bedhead, to his hastily pulled on armbands, to his bare feet on the tile floors. Even after all these years, Andrew is an incredibly light sleeper. He must have woken when the front door had shut and come to investigate.

“Hey,” Neil says, a little pathetically if he’s honest. He’s not sure what else to say, but it turns out that it doesn’t matter, since Andrew steps into the kitchen, right into his space. The words dry up on Neil’s tongue as they just stare at each other for a long moment.

“When’s the last time you actually slept?” Andrew says, letting soft judgment bleed into his voice. Neil forgets to answer when Andrew’s hands come up to rest on either side of his jaw, thumbs gently caressing the bags under his eyes.

“Depends,” Neil finally manages. 

“On?” Andrew asks, raising one eyebrow.

“Does dozing on the plane count?” 

Andrew rolls his eyes, letting Neil go and stepping back. “I changed my mind. I don’t want to know after all.”

Neil reaches out and captures one of Andrew’s hands in both of his, not letting him get too far away. His eyes search Andrew’s face for any sign that he is truly mad at him. Andrew notices of course and gives a tiny shake of his head. The relief feels like a drug in his veins and Neil lets some of the tension leave his shoulders. Of course, they still need to talk, but he hasn’t ruined everything.

Andrew tugs suddenly, pulling Neil to his feet and leading him out of the kitchen. Neil casts one last look at Renee, who flashes him a smug smile before turning back to her work. 

Neil follows Andrew down the hall to what he presumes is Andrew’s room while he’s been staying here. Really, this house is much larger than it has any right to be, but Neil supposes the salaries of two established doctors allow for it easily enough. 

Andrew shuts the door behind them and flops down at the head of the bed. He gives Neil a ‘go on’ gesture when he remains awkwardly by the door. Neil sits down at the other end of the bed, nerves suddenly returning. 

When it’s clear Neil has no idea where to start Andrew says, “So you’re here.” It’s not a question, but Neil knows what Andrew’s trying to ask.

He swallows around his very dry throat and says, “Yeah… I couldn’t stay away. I missed you.”

“Mn,” Andrew answers back, which is practically a declaration of his own feelings in his own laconic way.

Neil wants to apologize for how he’s been acting, but there isn’t really a point. Apologies don’t mean much between them. What’s done is done. Actions and promises mean more than apologies ever will.

Needing something to do with his hands, Neil grabs a pillow with a frankly unnecessary amount of fringe. He watches his fingers as he twirls them through the tassels so he doesn’t have to look at Andrew when he speaks.

Instead of apologizing Neil says, “I don’t want to shut you out anymore. I’ve been… struggling a lot lately. I know I’m getting close to the end of my career and I’m not ready to give it up quite yet, but,” here Neil looks up at Andrew to find intense hazel eyes staring back at him. “I know I won’t be alone when that happens. There’s more to life than just Exy.”

He mostly says that last bit to see the flash in Andrew’s eyes that might be vindication, might be something else. It’s true though. He means every word he says.

“Did it hurt to say that out loud?” Amusement tugs at the corners of Andrew’s lips. “Took you long enough to figure it out. I thought we solved this problem years ago.”

“When you asked me to marry you. I know, I should have figured it out then, but I didn’t somehow. Not really. Guess I wasn’t very smart back then.” Neil decides it’s better to leave out the part where he only just now got to have his side of an almost twenty-year-old conversation.

“Not much has changed, I see.”

Neil throws the tasseled pillow at his head in defiance. Andrew bats the pillow aside and reaches across the gap to grab Neil's wrists at the same time that Neil moves forward into Andrew’s space. Andrew sits back, pulling Neil on top of him till they’re practically nose to nose. Neil’s heart is beating super fast. He feels so light right now, like he could run a marathon. He feels like he’s already run one.

“You know this is it for me, right? There won’t ever be anyone or anything else more important,” Neil says, needing Andrew to know this. “I would stay with you even if it meant never playing again.”

“Shut up,” Andrew says, moving to nose at Neil’s neck. Neil’s not done yet though, and he refuses to be distracted. 

“I love you. I love you more than I hate everything else,” Neil says, quoting the line Andrew had given Neil on that fateful Christmas Eve, so many years ago. He imagines past Andrew, sees him coming towards him at the airport. He remembers how he felt that day, how he never wanted to be anywhere else but right there, by Andrew’s side. 

They stay there for a while, wrapped up in their own bubble until breakfast is ready and they can hear all the foxes clamoring around as they start their day. Neil can hear the exact moment Matt discovers his duffle bag, and the chaos that follows. 

He sighs, disentangling some of his limbs from Andrew’s. 

“Shall we go out there?” 

Andrew sighs but moves to get dressed, tossing some clean clothes at Neil. Neil grins and gets ready to talk to his family.

* * *

Christmas with the foxes is always a chaotic affair, even without the added children. All of the original foxes are here with their families. Even Wymack, Abby, and Bee came, though Neil suspects it’s mostly to visit the new baby. Katelyn has finally been allowed out of the hospital with her new squalling bundle of joy. Well, not joy in Neil’s unsolicited opinion, but certainly a bundle of something.

The morning is spent catching up with everyone, who are all happy to see Neil. They only give him a little bit of a hard time for not coming sooner.

Renee somehow gets stuck coordinating the whole Christmas Eve dinner, as the only fox with any actual adult skills, and she quickly puts everyone to work getting all of the food ready.

They have dinner sitting wherever there’s space. Neil looks up at Andrew for help when he gets mobbed by all the children all at once. Neil’s never been very comfortable around children, unable to predict how they’re going to behave or how to get them to listen to him. He swears they can sense this weakness because they always flock to him, pestering him with a million questions and requests. 

Andrew sees his struggle and smirks, raising a glass to him, then turning back to his quiet conversation with Aaron. Neil can’t even be mad about it. 

Taking a moment to observe the chaos, Neil decides he wouldn’t trade this for anything. He is here, and for now, that’s enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are greatly appreciated! I don't usually respond, but I cherish each and every nice thing you guys say. Thanks for reading :)


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